Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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