i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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