I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
