she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
