remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
