I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
