I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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