if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize