maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
