So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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