Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize