She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
