Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
