My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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