I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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