Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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