You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
