Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
