I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
