im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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