I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
