i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
