Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Maybe he injected his testicle?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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