She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
