Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize