Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize