i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
