If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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