her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
