UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just want nice things and good sex
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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