I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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