i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
