No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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