marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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