the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize