My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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