he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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