Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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