you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
