when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
