Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
