I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
