It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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