I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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