The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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