If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
