so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
