You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
