I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
