True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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