It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
