hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize