the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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