So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize