my phone needs a breathalizer
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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