I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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